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Joke Lists

Top 10 signs you may be having a bad day...

- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

- You wake up face down on the pavement.

- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

- You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. …

Here are the top 30 euphemisms for "stupidity":

1. A few clowns short of a circus.

2. A few fries short of a happy meal.

3. A few beers short of a six pack.

4. A few peas short of a casserole. …

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity!

At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Insist that your email address is: Xena_Warrior_Princess@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with …

These are actual signs seen around the world in non-English speaking countries. Some of the mistakes are hilarious!

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. …

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. …

Find out what may really mean when they say...

"I'M GOING FISHING"

Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical". …

25 Things Women Should Know About Men:

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. …

Here are the twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk!

25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"

24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" …

Things I learned from the movies

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. …

Why it is so cool to be a woman

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic. …

Why it is so cool to be a man

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. …

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh gee, better get cracking," and scribble furiously. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"

3. If it is a math or science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer or essay exam, answer with numbers and symbols. …

Top 20 signs that you use the Internet too often:

You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a person with no Facebook account.

You feel driven to play Farmville on your wedding day.

Your opening line is, "So what's your Twitter username?"

You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening toward a flimsy …

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

4. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

5. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. …

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!'

2. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.

3. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

4. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

5. Shave. …

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